NAME:  Known to his friends as Grumpy B.Stard

SEX:  Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will co-operate)

DESIRED POSITION:   Company's Chief Executive or even Managing Director. (Otherwise, whatever's available).

DESIRED SALARY:  $300,00 a year plus share options, perks and a Tony Blair style redundancy package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION:  Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD:  Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY:  A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:  My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING LAST POSITION:  It was a crap job.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:  Any.

PREFERRED HOURS:  1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:  Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:  If I had one, would I be here ?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?:  50 lbs of WHAT?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:  I think the more appropriate question here would be 'Do you have a car that runs?'

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:  I may already be a winner of the Reader's Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?:  On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:  Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel with large breasts and who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE?:  7 miles

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE ?:  Oh yes, absolutely.